Hyphenated-Homestead

My father passed away when he was 52. He would have been 80 today! Yep, Jan 26. His birthday coincides with Republic Day for India.

His life was cut short too soon. He deserved to see and enjoy life a lot more, but it was not meant to be. Life is definitely not fair. I learnt that at a very early stage in my life.

Reflecting on his life, I am reminded of the profound impact he had on me, my brother, and our mother. His absence has been a significant part of my life now, yet the lessons he imparted in his short time with us continue to resonate and guide me.

Every little habit of his, from never leaving his clothes left around to always hanging them up in the closet no matter how late or tired he was coming home resonates with me even today. His approach to life was always about presenting the genuine version of oneself. The one who means well and takes effort to do well. His clothes were modest but immaculately kept, and he never met anyone without first ensuring he was well-groomed. I don’t recall a single incident when he didn’t have his hair combed properly or he was presenting himself in sleeping/home clothes to receive someone however weird time of the day it was. Showering before getting out of the house (especially in the morning) is another habit I picked up from him, and I still follow.

All of it might seem trivial, but these acts were part of a larger lesson in responsibility, respect, and being genuine to people around you, no matter who, the family, friends or just an acquaintance.

His belief in hard work has been another cornerstone of my life. “Mandar, you are smart, but hard work can outshine even the smartest person in the room. Do not shy away from doing the hard work or put that extra-effort in. It will always pay off” he would say.

Besides these simple yet profound ways of working, he ensured we knew our family finances inside out, teaching us essential skills like managing bank accounts, various savings deposits, and household expenses from a young age. Essentially by the age 14, we were equal partners in the household economy. This wasn’t just practical knowledge; it was about preparing us for the future, instilling in us the importance of self-reliance. I wonder now, did he know that he was not going to last that long? It’s heart-wrenching to think that way but the way he planned his finances knowing he was the sole breadwinner in the house, educated us on the fundamentals along the way, really helped us go through one of the toughest times in our lives when he passed away. Flying solo without him that is.

Despite our limited means, my father believed in the richness of important experiences in life. He never shied away from spending on diverse foods or new encounters, showing us that life’s true wealth lies in its variety and the people we meet. Talking about richness and quality of experiences, the Thursday Aarti sessions, a time for quiet meditation and family togetherness, hold a special place in my heart. I regret not continuing this tradition – it was a time of peace and reflection that I now deeply miss.

My father’s dream of coming to the land of free, that he never expressed openly or got to explore, often plays in my mind. He was the only engineer with a business administration degree amongst his siblings but had a difficult and burdensome childhood. Given a chance, he would have thrived here, I’m sure of it. His life lessons, especially his practical approach to parenting or towards life in general was liberal for his times, and have shaped my worldview.

“Smoking and drinking are not good habits guys, but if you want to try it, try them in front of me, don’t sneak and hide behind my back. Let me also experience how it feels with you.” He used to remind us laughingly. Subtle yet very powerful way to encourage us to be open, to experiment, and to learn from our own experiences.

My father’s simple yet powerful approach to life has shaped me in countless ways. He instilled discipline and a sense of responsibility that still helps me to this day. His teachings were straightforward but have had a lasting influence on my life.

His absence in my life’s journey, especially as I fulfilled my ambitions to travel and settle abroad, leaves a huge void. I often wish he could see the life I’ve built here in the States. He could come and stay with me as long as he wanted or demand the fancy clothes, the new technology or travel and explore different parts of the world to see man-made engineering marvels in his retirement.

There are so many things he didn’t get to do. There are so many things I couldn’t do for him. However, I can’t go back in time, nor I can bring him back.

It’s a helpless feeling.

At the same time, I need to reach deep within and listen for his advice or what he might say in such situations. I am sure his advice would be as simple as the way he led his life, even when the going got tough for him in the last few years. He never complained. He did what he was supposed to do, and he took care of his family and made sure all of us were OK even if he wasn’t around. That’s his legacy.

So, his simple advice would be “Create your own legacy Mandar. It’s not how much you do or how long you get to stay on this beautiful earth, but what you do and how you do it, in the time you have, and that’s all that matters in the end. “He did that himself so wonderfully well.

I miss you baba! I sincerely do. It’s been a while that I got any scolding or received the look of attaboy, but I hope I am making you proud.

Wherever you are, I am sure you are looking great, and combing that hair first before you come say hello! Keep it sharp as you always have.

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